Friday, October 29, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Multiple Personalities
This is a journal/ranting post, so if you need to skip it, skip it.
Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities inside me fighting to get out. Oh, I don't mean a real mental health MPD, but I guess you could say it's my natural man and my not so natural man duking it out. I want so much to be a good mom, but I have this other person inside saying "It's so much easier just not to deal with it. Just let them cry." Or, on the other hand, "Just give in. It's not worth the screaming fit that will follow if you stand your ground." I want to be a good wife, but this other person says "It's not worth talking to him about it again. Just be happy where you are." I want to be a good Latter Day Saint, but the other person says "It's too hard to go and teach the 5-6 year olds when you already have four kids 6 and under at home!" or "You're already trying as hard as you can, and are doing everything you can think of and nothing has happened. What's the point?" or "getting 4 kids ready by 9:00 in the morning gets way too crazy. Maybe you should just stay home." I want to have patience and not raise my voice and be happy and follow the prophet's council to be happy where you're at, but that other voice inside says "Everyone else has these wonderful things happening to them. Why not you. Maybe Heavenly Father just can't be bothered." I want to be a good friend and have good friends, but the other person says "You moved away from your good friends and you're not going to meet anyone that will be the same in this ward/neighborhood" or "One of your very best friends moved away. I guess that means you're alone now."
I know this voice is wrong and I know what I'm supposed to do and why I'm supposed to do it. I know the grass is always greener...I know all these things and I'll not stop trying and believing and all those things, but sometimes, don't you just want to give in to that other person and just rest? No more fighting. No more growing and stretching. Just nothing.
Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities inside me fighting to get out. Oh, I don't mean a real mental health MPD, but I guess you could say it's my natural man and my not so natural man duking it out. I want so much to be a good mom, but I have this other person inside saying "It's so much easier just not to deal with it. Just let them cry." Or, on the other hand, "Just give in. It's not worth the screaming fit that will follow if you stand your ground." I want to be a good wife, but this other person says "It's not worth talking to him about it again. Just be happy where you are." I want to be a good Latter Day Saint, but the other person says "It's too hard to go and teach the 5-6 year olds when you already have four kids 6 and under at home!" or "You're already trying as hard as you can, and are doing everything you can think of and nothing has happened. What's the point?" or "getting 4 kids ready by 9:00 in the morning gets way too crazy. Maybe you should just stay home." I want to have patience and not raise my voice and be happy and follow the prophet's council to be happy where you're at, but that other voice inside says "Everyone else has these wonderful things happening to them. Why not you. Maybe Heavenly Father just can't be bothered." I want to be a good friend and have good friends, but the other person says "You moved away from your good friends and you're not going to meet anyone that will be the same in this ward/neighborhood" or "One of your very best friends moved away. I guess that means you're alone now."
I know this voice is wrong and I know what I'm supposed to do and why I'm supposed to do it. I know the grass is always greener...I know all these things and I'll not stop trying and believing and all those things, but sometimes, don't you just want to give in to that other person and just rest? No more fighting. No more growing and stretching. Just nothing.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
More updates
Lots of things have been happening here at our house in the last couple of months. Erin turned 4 last month. She wanted a Strawberry Shortcake cake and again awesome Julie came through with an amazing cake. It was even strawberry flavored. Yum!
Here's the cute cake. Erin loved it!
Blowing out the candles. I have one picture with Cameron covering Owen's mouth so he won't blow the candles out.
We had a family reunion for the family on Cameron's Dad's side of the family. We went up to the Valley, a place where Cameron and his family went every year and kind of grew up with. The kids had a grand time.
They had a three legged race. Owen and Erin partnered up...
...and Liam and his cousin Jaxon partnered up. Liam and Jax did pretty well, actually. They came in second. Erin and Owen...not so much.
They had a sawdust pile that they put money into and the kids got to go crazy looking for money.
Of course, daddy had to be the horse and pull the kids around in the cart.
Here's Owen being Babe Ruth and calling his shot.
OH!! Not quite.
With each of the kids, we have taken their picture at each of their month marks with a stuffed animal. This is Reagan's one month shot with my pound puppy.
I tried to do a little photo shoot with Reagan. Here's what happens when you have your two year old helping out.
Just a couple of shots of Miss Reagan.
I will try and keep a little more up to date from now on.
Updates
So I suppose I should be better at this, but I have just now gotten the time to sit down, edit pictures, add them and write a bit. For posterity's sake, I will tell Reagan's birth story, if you wish to skip, by all means...
I had had the flu for about three days and felt really yucky, so on Sunday, August 22 around 6:45 pm, I was going to lay down on our armchair that we have. I started to lay down and my water broke. With three of my four children, my water has broken. With Owen, my water broke and the contractions started hard right then, so with Reagan, I was a little nervous, being as how we live about 20 minutes away from the hospital and I tend to go really fast. We just barely made it with Owen. We made it to the hospital and got all checked in and everything before I felt any of the contractions. It was kind of nice. It made it my best labor ever that way. I am not the go natural kind of girl, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me the epidural. This is when it became my yuckiest labor ever. Because I had the flu, I was pretty dehydrated and having the epidural didn't help. It dropped my blood pressure about 20 points (which is pretty low anyway) and I started feeling pretty floaty. It got down into the 70/40 range. The monitors were beeping all over the place. I truly thought I was going to lose consciousness and die right there on the table. I have never felt that way before and hope to never feel that way again. I think I scared my nurse and she sat with me for a while. Cameron said I was drained of all color and was just white. I couldn't really lift my hands because it took too much effort. The nurse finally went to get me some blood pressure boosting medicine and put it in my IV and it went up to about 80/50. I started feeling better. It took a while for me to get fully dilated, and then my doctor was at a family party, so he wanted to wait about an hour. So, around 10:30 he showed up and got all set up. One push and there was Miss Reagan.
I stayed in the hospital for a day and then came home. The timing wasn't the best, because Liam started school the next day and I felt so sad I didn't get to see him off to 1st grade. Cameron was a trooper and did a stellar job of taking kids places, keeping the house going, seeing to my needs and keeping it all together. He got the flu the day I came home from the hospital and still kept going. He's great!
Here's Liam on the first day of school. He's loving first grade. It took a while to get adjusted to going all day long, but he is doing well and really likes his teacher and his class.
The first week we had Reagan home, I had a headache. It was one of the worst headaches I have ever had. It was positional, going away when I laid down, which tipped me off that it was a spinal headache caused by the epidural I had. We ended up going to the ER to get a blood patch. It helped a lot, but the headache lingered for about a month. I am feeling much better now. We have been weathering the flu and a nasty cold here at our house. I think we are finally all over it. Cameron got the flu just after Reagan was born, then Erin got it, then Liam, then Owen. Then we all started in on the cold. On a side note, my cute neighbor came over to see the baby one day when we were outside playing. Reagan was inside sleeping, so we went inside and, of course, she was screaming away. I picked her up to love her and Erin pulls on my shirt saying "Mommy?" then throws up. Poor thing. I lifted her over it, saying "hurry! go to the toilet to throw up." She took a few steps and threw up again, took a few steps and threw up AGAIN!! My neighbor, bless her heart, took Reagan and I started carrying Erin to the bathroom when Owen comes racing into the kitchen, slips in the throw up and lands on his back, bonking his head on the floor and getting covered in vomit. Hooray!! What a fun day for us. Tiffany, my neighbor, said "Have you ever seen Cheaper by the Dozen?" We both laughed a little at that. Thanks, Tiffany for coming down when Heavenly Father knew I would need some help.
It's definitely been an adjustment, but we're getting through. We'll make it.
I had had the flu for about three days and felt really yucky, so on Sunday, August 22 around 6:45 pm, I was going to lay down on our armchair that we have. I started to lay down and my water broke. With three of my four children, my water has broken. With Owen, my water broke and the contractions started hard right then, so with Reagan, I was a little nervous, being as how we live about 20 minutes away from the hospital and I tend to go really fast. We just barely made it with Owen. We made it to the hospital and got all checked in and everything before I felt any of the contractions. It was kind of nice. It made it my best labor ever that way. I am not the go natural kind of girl, so the anesthesiologist came and gave me the epidural. This is when it became my yuckiest labor ever. Because I had the flu, I was pretty dehydrated and having the epidural didn't help. It dropped my blood pressure about 20 points (which is pretty low anyway) and I started feeling pretty floaty. It got down into the 70/40 range. The monitors were beeping all over the place. I truly thought I was going to lose consciousness and die right there on the table. I have never felt that way before and hope to never feel that way again. I think I scared my nurse and she sat with me for a while. Cameron said I was drained of all color and was just white. I couldn't really lift my hands because it took too much effort. The nurse finally went to get me some blood pressure boosting medicine and put it in my IV and it went up to about 80/50. I started feeling better. It took a while for me to get fully dilated, and then my doctor was at a family party, so he wanted to wait about an hour. So, around 10:30 he showed up and got all set up. One push and there was Miss Reagan.
The first week we had Reagan home, I had a headache. It was one of the worst headaches I have ever had. It was positional, going away when I laid down, which tipped me off that it was a spinal headache caused by the epidural I had. We ended up going to the ER to get a blood patch. It helped a lot, but the headache lingered for about a month. I am feeling much better now. We have been weathering the flu and a nasty cold here at our house. I think we are finally all over it. Cameron got the flu just after Reagan was born, then Erin got it, then Liam, then Owen. Then we all started in on the cold. On a side note, my cute neighbor came over to see the baby one day when we were outside playing. Reagan was inside sleeping, so we went inside and, of course, she was screaming away. I picked her up to love her and Erin pulls on my shirt saying "Mommy?" then throws up. Poor thing. I lifted her over it, saying "hurry! go to the toilet to throw up." She took a few steps and threw up again, took a few steps and threw up AGAIN!! My neighbor, bless her heart, took Reagan and I started carrying Erin to the bathroom when Owen comes racing into the kitchen, slips in the throw up and lands on his back, bonking his head on the floor and getting covered in vomit. Hooray!! What a fun day for us. Tiffany, my neighbor, said "Have you ever seen Cheaper by the Dozen?" We both laughed a little at that. Thanks, Tiffany for coming down when Heavenly Father knew I would need some help.
It's definitely been an adjustment, but we're getting through. We'll make it.
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