This is a journal/ranting post, so if you need to skip it, skip it.
Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities inside me fighting to get out. Oh, I don't mean a real mental health MPD, but I guess you could say it's my natural man and my not so natural man duking it out. I want so much to be a good mom, but I have this other person inside saying "It's so much easier just not to deal with it. Just let them cry." Or, on the other hand, "Just give in. It's not worth the screaming fit that will follow if you stand your ground." I want to be a good wife, but this other person says "It's not worth talking to him about it again. Just be happy where you are." I want to be a good Latter Day Saint, but the other person says "It's too hard to go and teach the 5-6 year olds when you already have four kids 6 and under at home!" or "You're already trying as hard as you can, and are doing everything you can think of and nothing has happened. What's the point?" or "getting 4 kids ready by 9:00 in the morning gets way too crazy. Maybe you should just stay home." I want to have patience and not raise my voice and be happy and follow the prophet's council to be happy where you're at, but that other voice inside says "Everyone else has these wonderful things happening to them. Why not you. Maybe Heavenly Father just can't be bothered." I want to be a good friend and have good friends, but the other person says "You moved away from your good friends and you're not going to meet anyone that will be the same in this ward/neighborhood" or "One of your very best friends moved away. I guess that means you're alone now."
I know this voice is wrong and I know what I'm supposed to do and why I'm supposed to do it. I know the grass is always greener...I know all these things and I'll not stop trying and believing and all those things, but sometimes, don't you just want to give in to that other person and just rest? No more fighting. No more growing and stretching. Just nothing.
7 comments:
There are days (many in fact) where I feel the exact same way. But then I get those gifts where I have days that trying doesn't seem quite so overwhelming. I guess it balances itself out. My solution?! Chocolate, and sweet people like you. Hugs :)
simply said-ditto :) everyone feels that way and if they say they don't they are TOTAlLY lying!! But you gotta remember the first five years are the most important to lay the groundwork for later.. Then we should just be able to coast rite ;)
I'm sorry it's so tough right now!!! I love you and know I feel your pain!!! I have some people just like yours... ha ha ya, 1 1/2 hour aftermath after standing my ground... sigh oh well, I just have to believe that Heavenly Father knew what he was doing.
LOVE YOU!!
Amy, I love how frank you are in your blogs. And it's always funny to me how we see the worst in ourselves. No one else is that hard on us. I have come to believe that the grass is NEVER greener.....that's the mirage. Once you get over there, you realize it's either fake turf or food coloring. And every yard has dead spots and poo, at times. You are a good mom and a great friend. I wish we lived closer. :o)
Love you!
Amy, just know that you aren't the only one! You are a great person, mom, and wife! I miss you and your smile! Remember you saved me from heading down the wrong path, and you have always been such a good influence! Maybe Cameron can find a job out here, and you can buy a house! =) Heavenly Father knows what he is doing, remember he said "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"! Love ya!
Amy,
Hang in there. I am right there with ya. Four kids is crazy! Just remind yourself you're doing the best you can. It's gonna be worth it. And if that doesn't work, get some chocolate and give yourself a timeout.
Totally get ya....It makes you want to scream at times!! But just to let you know that I think you are one of the greatest people I know. :)
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